The Grump Who Stole Marriage (A Poem) - Matty Jacobson

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The Grump Who Stole Marriage

Every YOU down in Utah liked marriage a lot, but the Grump, who lived on Capitol Hill, did not.

The Grump hated marriage (for those who weren't straight), he'd poo-poo and hah-rumph and refuse to debate.

He knew he couldn't get away with beheadings, but he had to find some way to keep gays from their weddings!

For the weekend before Christmas --and this is no joke-- a judge said marriage should be for ALL folk!

Judge Shelby declared in a statement so proud: It shouldn't be reserved for just some of the crowd!

This burned the Grump's panties, this made him go crazy. He barked and he drooled and his vision got hazy.

To see all the happiness from St. George to Salt Lake, it made the Grump boil and it made the Grump bake.

What's worse was the ruling came right before Christmas! The gays and the lesbos would be getting married en masse!

This just wouldn't stand, no he wouldn't let it be so. So he planned up a plan in the Wasatch Front snow.

"I know how to proceed" The Grump burped on Friday. "I'll call for the court to issue an emergency stay!"

"They'll stop all the licenses, they'll stop all the bliss! I'm the smartest man ever!" He proclaimed with a hiss.

So he called up the judge and he said, "Listen buddy! Put a stay on your ruling! Before things get cruddy!"

The judge, to be clear, would not grant the stay. He didn't want to discriminate against lesbians and gays.

So The Grump in his Grumpiness turned on his heels. "FINE!" he screamed, running to the 10th Circuit Court of Appeals.

While The Grump's childish behavior made him look like a jerk, he also issued a letter to each county clerk.

He assured them in writing that seemed far less than formal, that pretty soon things would be back to normal.

"I know you're confused, and this is chaotic! I'm not being irrational, nor am I neurotic!"

His Grumpiness got airtime from Fox News to Rachel Maddow, and then came a response from the court in Colorado.

"No thanks" said the court when it came to the stay, "You didn't do things correct. You didn't them the right way."

The Grump saw the calendar was getting closer to Christmas. "NO!" He grumped loudly. "I want them to miss this!"

"They can't have their weddings! They can't have their cakes! Heck no on their families and those pesky tax breaks!"

He Grumped and he Grumped till his grumper was sore. Then he thought of something he hadn't before.

What if marriage, he thought, isn't cause for a war? What if marriage, perhaps, means a little bit more?

And what happened then, well in Utah they say, The Grump suddenly realized it's OK to be gay!

He called off his minions and he issued a statement: "My Grump!" he declared "Just had an abatement!"

"I see that these weddings do not harm my own, and this war on the gays is perhaps overblown!"

"The wonderful thing about America is, my beliefs are my own, they're not hers; they're not his."

"We can disagree and we don't have to see eye to eye, but that doesn't mean I have to Grump away the joys for the gay, lesbian and bi!"

"Ho hum to the ban! Merry Christmas I say! Let's rejoice! Let's unite! Please get married today!"

And although nobody quite knew why he changed his dark heart, there was marriage equality, and that was a start.

Sign The Petition!

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You don't have to live in Utah to be a part of history.

As you may or may not know, Utah's governor Gary Herbert (affectionately known as Herby the Love Gov here at The Skewed Review) immediately started his campaign to put a halt to all this happiness.

So please do your small part and sign this petition. It's a gentle reminder to Herby that he has rights not everyone in his state was afforded until yesterday.

Let our highest elected official in the state know that you support happiness. Even if he does growl with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming, tell him he will not stop marriage equality from coming. Click the red button below.

Utah lifts ban on marriage equality! - Matty Jacobson

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I was at work when it happened. Where were you?

An article in Rolling Stone magazine predicted Utah could possibly see some kind of progress when it came to marriage equality, but the article predicted it would probably happen sometime in 2016.

And most of my buddies on Facebook predicted an even longer haul to the equality finish line. But today, Dec. 20, 2013, that equality came to our state.

Similar to California's ban on equality being lifted, a judge had to come in and slap our state on the hand and say "Share!" Also similar to the whole California debacle, some Utah lawmakers, including his royal Herbertness, the Governor, have already swooped down to reclaim their portion of the playground.

Even the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, which today saw its power grip on the state loosen -- like laces of a kindergartner who didn't have anyone to teach him how to tie his laces properly because he was an accident and Utah didn't allow him to be adopted by a same-sex couple and therefore he's been bouncing from foster home to foster home with no real guidance on shoelace-tying skills -- issued a statement saying it's sure a higher court will rule that marriage is something only a portion of the population get to partake in.

But here's where I'm baffled: Do the Governor and the LDS church not pay attention to the history books? And by history books, I mean that thing called the Supreme Court's decision on the Defense of Marriage Act? Which happened this year?

That court looked at the California case and said, "PFFT. Don't waste our time!"

What makes Herby the Love Gov and (some but not all of) the Mormons think that the Supremes (of the Court) will look at Utah and say something different?

"I'll give you five good reasons why the gays shouldn't marry!
1: Cuz The Bible! 2: Eww, Gross! 3: I don't like guys that way, so
nobody should like guys that way! 4: How will babies be born since
everyone will be gay now?! 5: The Bible!"

The fact is they don't want to share. They like living their better-than lives adorned with tax breaks and legal children.

Here's what should have been stated by the LDS church:

"While our religion teaches that marriage is between one man and one woman..." (debatable) "...we recognize that the Constitution of the United States of America guarantees all citizens equal rights that are based in law and not religion. We may not agree with the decision by the court, but we are happy for all the couples who now get to enjoy the same freedoms and benefits married couples have been enjoying for years. The LDS Church, in accordance with our own Articles of Faith, respects the laws of the nation and would not attempt to force our religious laws into the nation's laws, especially considering not every citizen of our great state of Utah is Mormon."

And here's what the Governor should have said:

"While I support the traditional form of marriage..." (historically, that's one man and lots of wives, concubines, slaves, etc., but whatevs) "...I want to extend my congratulations to all our citizens..." (voters!) "...who have, up to this point, been second class citizens in our state. I want all our citizens, be they straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or queer, to know that they are welcome in our state and they are afforded the same rights as anyone else. Utah is a state that cares."

But, instead of respectfully disagreeing with the ruling and offering to build bridges to make this a greater state, the higher ups have chosen to wage war instead.

How sad.

Hopefully, the Republican't Governor and the LDS Church will take a second and think about what their lives would be like if someone tried to take their rights away. (Oh, you know, kind of like what happened to the Mormons when they were driven out of Missouri. But, you know, that's something completely different.)

My husband and I will raise a glass tonight in celebration of all the happiness and all the acceptance. We want to congratulate not just those who can now marry who have waited for so, so long, but we also want to thank the people who stood by us. They didn't have to, but they did. These people include so many Republicans and Mormons. These people include families, friends and acquaintances who could easily look the other way and come out of the whole thing unscathed.

We celebrate you.

And finally, thank you to Judge Robert J. Shelby. You, sir, are a good man. Thank you.

Our rating for Good Judge Shelby:

Our rating for the allies who supported those who deserved to get married this whole time:

Our review for the Mormon church (I've still got a little faith that the members have good hearts):

Our review of the Scary Gary: